For a long time now, more time than I care to admit, I have been doubting my relationship with Mark. Well, maybe doubting our relationship isn't the right statement, rather doubting myself and my ability to be in a relationship right now. I so strongly feel that I need to be on my own right now and discovering myself independently, and I just can't seem to shake this feeling. Of course I am off to Beijing for four months on November 10th and will be with Mark that entire time, so, a breakup isn't in the picture that that point. However, at this point, I feel that when those 4 months are up I will need to be on a break. I just need to be free. I need to be able to make decisions without worrying about how it will affect him. I need to experiment and find out the things I do and don't like, the things I am and am not truly passionate about. I have so many things I want to do an accomplish, yet my priorities are so undefined.
I do ask myself, why can't I define these priorities when in a relationship? I guess its just a weird thing you can't really explain. At this point it just seems like we're headed for marriage. He wants to move in together when we return from China, and then a few years away would be a wedding. That's just too fast for me. There's not enough independence there for me. I've always looked at myself as a strong, independent woman, and I can't be that woman if I'm changing my actions and my mindset for him.
It's just, yes he may be Mr. Right, but I'm thinking he's not Mr. Right now. Why do relationships need to be so difficult?!
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