1/29/2009: Annoyed...

So I'm really annoyed with Mark right now. I need to make this quick cuz im about to go out with Nora over to LB's place to watch a movie. Anyway, Mark has been such a flake lately. Everytime we try to hang it seems he cancels or leaves early or something. We were supposed to hang out tonight but he canceled on me to go to the Basketball Game. I mean, I understand cuz its a pretty big game, but I'm just talking in general. I mean, its not like me to put other plans aside to hang out with a boyfriend. Now suddenly I'm putting myself in a position where I'm not in control and its not working out for me. It was better when i just waited for him to contact me cuz I'm sick of trying to make plans and something fall through. Even last night he said he'd come over to hang out but a little while after he got there he was just like well I'm gunna go home i have work to do. And I'm just like, i stopped everything I was doing to hang out, and now you're leaving. He ended up coming back, but I'm still really annoyed. I'm not just going to sit around making plans with him and then have him cancel on me last minute. I'm sick of that shit. And I'm feeling really angry. That feeling I get where I just kind of feel like my heart is beating really quickly and I'm feel almost rage, but I mean, not full out rage. I'm just pissed as shit. Maybe I'm making a bid deal, and that's why I'm writing about it here, but I'm just annoyed. This weekend I'm not going to call Mark at all. If he wants t hang he can ask me and maybe ill see if I'm free. This weekend I'm treating as my own time and making my own plans, and if he fits in there then we can hang. I'm just tired of this. I feel like im constantly thinking of ways to be a better gf and with him its just a straight line graph, its always the same. I'm always trying to think of nice little tings we can do, and trying to plan romantic fun things, and he never does anything. I mean, yes he tell sme he loves me all the time, but words only go so far. I want more than just words. I want to be shown.

1/26: A pretty good Monday

Music: Explosions in the Sky - Slow Dance

So, today was pretty good. Well, it started out not too amazing. I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that I was going on another study abroad type trip. A few of my friends from Argentina were even there...I remember seeing Mackenzie, Miranda, and Laura I think. Mark was there too. We were all sitting at a long table eating dinner and Mark was there too, except he was at the head of the table and I was sitting a few chairs away from him. And I couldn't really talk to him b/c he was too far away and I remember getting really upset & angry in the dream. Then all of the sudden dinner was over and we were outside and we were each driving pick up trucks. I needed to back mine up for some reason b/c it was the only one in a parking spot and all the others were like 100 yards away from my truck on either side. And Mark was getting impatient with me. He was going to leave w/o saying goodbye cuz he didn't want to wait for me to fix my parking spot. I think I woke up at this point. The last thing I remember was wondering if he was going to leave or not w/o saying goodbye. So yea, not the best dream to wake up too. It kind of made me realize just how much I'm afraid of being away from him next year. I think I had this dream b/c earlier that night he asked me if he thought it was a good idea that we had been hanging out every night since he flew back to NJ. I said no, but I mean, I guess maybe it is. He mentioned maybe its not good b/c we don't know whats going to happen next year and we might not be able to spend every night together...like maybe we shouldn't get used to this.

Dia just IMed me. She told me Rob Mann, a boy who was a grade above me and best friends with Kevin Bielik just passed away on Saturday in a car accident. That's so sad. Dia & Liz are going to the wake tomorrow. It just kind of makes you think...you never know what can happen. I've been lucky enough to never really having to face the death of a close friend or family member. I mean, of course I'm so sad about Grandma Rains' passing, but since I was in Argentina when that happened I almost feel like I never really accepted it. Like, its this knowledge I have, but I don't know what to do with it. I mean, even when we were in OCM and the entire family went out and spread her ashes into the ocean, I was def. very emotional and it did provide some closure, but I still feel detached from it.

Well, I have some things to do, but, I guess it has been a pretty interesting day. So much to think about. So much is happening. And yet, look at what I mentioned above...it can all be taken from you in a single, unexpected moment.

Until Next time

1/25/2009 I'm a lucky girl

Well, the 1st week of classes are finished. And good news...I was able to force add my Real Estate Finance class! =) So, I'm all set with my 15 credits needed to graduate =)The first week of classes went really well. I'm pretty interested in what all of my classes have to offer for the most part.

In other news I did my romantic dinner date for Mark last night for his Xmas Gift. It was really nice. I put the table in my room and made a red & white checkered table cloth to give it that Italian vibe. We had a 2 course meal with wine. To start I got some tasty dipping olive oil with french bread. Then we made a reallllly good pizza with mozzarella cheese, ricotta cheese, fresh basil, red peppers, tomato slices, hot sausage, and a bit of garlic. It was extremely tasty. So, that was really nice. I made my room dimly lit with candles. Basically I was trying to make it look like a fancy Italian restaurant. So, I think Mark really liked it. Afterwords we of course made love for like 2 hours which was great. We tried to do it a 3rd time but we were both spent heh. Lately every time Mark & I have sex its been getting better and better. We did it this morning and it was great. I'm seeing more and more that as I let go more and just stop thinking so much I enjoy it that much more. So, after our love-making session last night we went out to The Cellar with Nora, Cathlyn, John, Sam, & Virginia for a couple of hours, which was really fun. Mark and I were having a good time. We were singing the Frank Sinatra song New York, which was pretty funny. It's really nice being with someone you can call your best friend too. I feel so lucky to have so many aspects to our relationship...we can be intimate and very close & passionate at times, and other times we can just hang out and joke around. I'm such a lucky girl.

Anyway, I'm actually about to head over there in a little bit. We have hung out pretty much every day since we've seen each other at the end of winter break, but I just can't help it. At the end of the day I just gotta be in bed with him heh. Even if we're just sleeping.

Okay well, I'm going to hit it for now. I have some reading to do for class tomorrow.

Until next time

1/21/09: Second Day of Classes

So, yesterday was the first day of classes. They actually went really well. So long as I'm able to force add my Real Estate Finance class my schedule should be great. I'm kind of doing a mini concentration of Finance this semester by taking Intro to Finance, Survey of Investments, & Real Estate Finance. I'm also taking International Relations as well as Global Political Economy. I'm nervous they won't let me in the Real Estate Finance class b/c I don't have the PreReq for it, which is actually Intro to Finance. However, I know I'm fully capable of taking the class. It just really annoys me that they might not let a student take a class simply b/c they are missing some stupid PreReq. I mean, we are here to learn aren't we? I absolutely can't stand all the red tape. All I know is that when I'm older and own my business I am going to avoid the Red Tape. When I was listening to the TR stuff the other week he was talking about how having less rules can be better simply because there are less rules to break. I mean, of course we do need some rules, but some are just so freaking stupid. So, hopefully it will work out. I'm thinking if they don't let me in it I'll just sit in on the class as if I were getting a grade and take some other online class or class that doesn't take attendance P/F and just aim for a C. I just don't want to waste my time taking a class & focusing my energy on something I don't even care about!

Anyway, I'm just trying to get a few things done today. I got my AmeriCorps packet the other day, so, I need to call them to proceed with that. This week I also plan on applying to about 8 companies for Financial Advising. I wish I had realized sooner that I want to do something that focuses around this. It is like I spent all of college learning to what I want to do, and now that I finally know, it's almost over. Aye yai yai...that's life for ya.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to hit it. Until next time.

1/17/09: Picking up Mark Today!

So, I’m just hanging out waiting to pick up Mark from the airport in a few hours. I can’t wait to see him! I mean, it has been a month, although that’s nothing compared to last year. I have to say, it is a lot nicer going into this semester knowing we’ll be able to be together, rather than living in two different countries in two different hemispheres separated by an entire ocean. No me gusta. So, I’ll be leaving to pick him up when his plan lands at 3:45 from Newark.

Anyway, the past few days have been okay. I found myself being a bit less productive since getting back from Florida. Granted, I felt I was being pretty productive in Florida, but for some reason my return made me lazy. Made it was going from the nicer, warmer weather to fucking freezing cold New Jersey. The past two nights our pipes have frozen, making the house even more cold than Eddie keeps it. I don’t understand how he can possibly thinking keeping a house at 63 degrees F feels good. Furthermore, it’s not even healthy. I keep a freaking space heater on my desk blowing directly on me to stay warm. Yea, sometimes Eddie just annoys the shit out of me.

In other news, me, Kevin, Gia, & Mark are driving back down to VT tomorrow. I have to make sure to get into a good routine when I get down there. I need this semester to be really productive. I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of changes coming my way. I also need to make sure to enjoy this semester! It is my last semester of college, which I can’t even comprehend. It really did go way too fast. I still remember move in day freshman year. Craziness.
Okay, well, I’m going to try to do some things before I go get my man. Until next time.

1/14/09: Chillen in Jerz

Music: Explosions in the Sky - A Slow Dance

Well, I just got done watching a few hours of LOST. Next week is the Season 5 Premier. Yes...I am one of those people that are obsessed with the TV show. I can't help it though! It is just so freaking good! I'm super excited for Season 5 to start!

Anyway, I'm actually not feeling all that great. Maybe I'm just still tired from the long ass flight I had yesterday. I also did have a pretty productive day today. I still have a few things I need to get done before I go back to school that I'm not fully sure I will accomplish. The end of this break crept up on me so fast! I could use another month! aye yai yai.

I did make one decision today. I researched 8 companies that offer Financial Advising positions that I plan on applying to when I get back to VT. Of course I left the flash drive there that has my freakin resume on it, so, I wasn't able to apply over the break. As much as I am very interested in doing the AmeriCorps thing, I also want to keep my options open. I also can't help but start to freak out at the possibility of being far from Mark. I told myself after doing the long distance thing in Argentina that I would never put myself through that again. I have to say, missing someone is one of the worst feelings out there. It just eats at you. Every time you are having a great time there is somewhere in the back of your head that just says, "man...I wish mark were here". I know, it sounds stupid, but I guess love will do that to ya :)

Today I also did a new brainstorm on my book for kids going through their parents divorce. So, I'm going to really get moving on that. I listened to the last Tony Robbins Get the Edge session today, and he really talked about fulfilling whatever your purpose in life is. By far one of my purposes in life is to give and share and help others. I feel with this book, if I work really hard at it, put a lot of effort and heart into it, could really help some people out. I also have plans to make a website for it as well. I think by the end of this week I'll make a timetable for what I need to do to get the ball rolling on this.

Okay, well, I think I'm going to hit the sack soon. I'm not doing to stretch tonight. I just don't feel very good and am having some cramps and such.

Okay, well, until next time.

1/12/09: Reunion with Lukis

So the past few days have been a ton of fun. Lukis came into town to visit me on the 10th. We both leave tomorrow. It is a short visit, but we have had a blast so far. It’s pretty cool that we haven’t seen each other since last Thanksgiving and nothing has changed. We still have the same report & relationship that we’ve always had…goofin off and acting like idiots. Aside from lots of reminiscing we’ve been up to a lot the past few days...which obviously includes a lot of drinking. The first night we went to that same bar where the bar tender was hitting on me the other night (oh yea I have to write about that night…I was a little too drunk to write about it when I came home heh), followed by going to Mardi Gras. We had a really good time just chatting and drinking vodka and cranberries or gin and tonics. We were talking about how to give good blowjobs and how Lukis’s nipples came to be super sensitive haha. Mardi Gras was really fun too…a bit white trash…but they were playing good music and we were enjoying dancing in our seats. Finally at 1 o’clock my Dad came to pick us up (since last call is 1 am here…weird, I know). Upon getting home I guess Lukis and I were pretty starving because we cleaned out the fridge…and made a huge mess while doing so. First we ate Dad’s left over pasta dish from dinner. We scarfed it down right on the counter without even putting it in 2 separate plates. We were like homeless people that hadn’t had a meal in years haha. Then we made the rest of the wheat pasta we had the other night. Except this time we put it in separate bowls and brought it upstairs. OF course Lukis managed to get a huge butter stain on his shirt anyway haha, but it was might tasty…especially at 3 am when you’re loaded haha.

So, last night me, Lukis, my Dad, & Noreen went out to downtown Saint Augustine to a few bars. We first went to this laid back bar that had about 293840298 kinds of beer to try. I got one called Longboard, which was pretty tasty. The even had one called Purple Haze haha. After that we went to this other bar called the Tradewinds I believe. Walking in it looked like a red-neck dive, and it kind of was, but it ended up being an awesome place. Making it even nicer ware the kettle 1 vodka and cranberries I was sipping on all night. I think I had like 5! So, obviously I was feeling pretty nice. Anyway, the lead singer of the band asks us where we’re from a couple minutes after we walk into the bar. After telling him New Jersey says, “New Jersey…I’ll give you something from New Jersey”. And he did, because he played Bruce Springsteen’s cover of Fire. It was great, especially because I love that song. The band was pretty good, playing a lot of southern rock songs…although they didn’t know AC/DC, so, that was kind of a bummer. So, about an hour after they play Bruce someone requests Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. This was hands down one of the funniest moments of my life. This crazy ass old dude in blue jeans and a jean jacket and one big ass hoop earring in his right ear jumps on stage and starts going to town. I’m talkin jumping around, doing crazy, random hand movements, leaping off the stage, everything. It was fucking hilarious. I filmed it haha. Not to mention during the other songs there was one random black dude doing these crazy ass moves to songs like Sweet Home Alabama haha. And I can’t forget the older, but still cute couples grinding to those songs too haha. The four of us managed to get on stage when they played Bill Jean, which was a riot. I didn’t realize how drunk I was until we got up there and I could feel the weakness in my knees…not to mention the bad dancing haha.

Okay, well, Lukis is still sleeping and this typing noise is kind of annoying. I’m going to hit it for now. I’ll recap on the night before Lukis got here tomorrow!

1/10/09: A bit drunk in Saint Augustine

Okay so im a little drink right now. A random memory just came back to me. I remember this time, the summer before Senior year of college just after I got back from Buenos Aires, Matt and I decided to take the train into the city. From there we brought our liquor into central park and watched this random game of Softball. I remember cheering for a team called Balls something. I can’t remember the full name…but it was funny…and they lost, unfortunately. Anyway, that was a really good time. I can recall it being kind of hot and humid, so we found a big tree in the park to drink under. Once we started getting our drink on we found the softball game. Some random dude game us brown paper bags to put our drinks in since it was technically illegal to drink in CP. Those were good times. We got pretty drunk that day.

Anyway, I just got back from hanging out at the bar with my Dad in Noreen. Well, first it was just my Dad and I. We went to some tiki-restaurant, which was pretty fun. There was a good cover band there…they played a Bruce Springsteen song too (Pink Cadillac)

Okay im actually a liiiiittttllleee more buzzed than I thought so I’ll update today’s events tomorrow.

Good night, and good luck,

1/8/09: Saint Augustine, FL

Music: Jimmy Eat World: 23

I’d say today was a pretty good day. I woke up pretty late again today...around 11:00. I had originally planned on going to bed early light until Mark and I ended up getting in a fight over the phone. I’m not really sure how it all happened. Somehow it went from me talking about how a stereotypical guy is an asshole to him bringing up that one night stand I had in West Virginia when I was a freshman. Anyway, he started calling me a hypocrite about it my views on it, which pissed me off to no end. Obviously that night I was just having fun, making some bad decisions, and just livin’ in the moment…not trying to use someone and brag about it and such. Finally I got that through to him. At the same time, it turns out he wasn’t really mad about that per say, but more just how he gets pissed off at anything that reminds him of sophomore year somehow. So yea, it pretty much went from a really nice conversation to a shitty conversation. I mean, we worked it out and everything, but still…he needs to get over that stuff. It is creating way too much drama, and if there’s one thing that I can’t stand it’s when people dig up the past and make it the present.
So I woke up, did my stretches, and then listened to the Tony Robbins Get the Edge download. I did Session 6, which was all on Financial Freedom. I really liked a lot of the points he made in this. I mean, they were very simple and I was aware of most of them, but it is great to go over them to ensure that I fully understand. He talked about the importance of compounding your earnings. He also talked about having 3 buckets: A securities bucket, which are where your safer, fixed-income investments go, and a growth bucket, which is where your riskier investments go. Once you earn profit from these 2 buckets, you reinvest it as well as put a percentage of it into the 3rd bucket, which is your dream bucket. This bucket goes towards things like a dream house, car, vacation, etc. I realize so much that I need to start focusing on this now. The examples alone of what compounding can do are amazing. If I start now, just saving a certain amount each month, I will be so set in the future, as well as be able to provide a good life for my husband and my kids in the future. I realize so much how badly I hate stressing over the cost of a meal at a restaurant, the prices of a simple movie ticket, or anything that I might want. I’m so scared about this stuff that I even stress out when it comes to buying things that would be considered as investing in myself! And that is the most important investment I can make. I am setting a goal that by the end of this semester I will make $10,000. I know, I know. That seems like a lot. But I have to do it. And I have to set my goal high. I need to challenge myself. If I make it too small, like say $3,000...that’s not enough to get me off my ass and working for something. I am going to achieve this through getting back into investing in the market, creating the eBay business (which I have invested in myself with by buying the books), and possibly still working for Blue Ocean. (I’m still not sure if I want to do that next semester).
After I listened to the Tony Robbins thing my Dad & I went out to lunch at a nice Tiki Bar type Restaurant on the Pier. It was pretty good. We got some fried calamari and Cuban Sandwiches. So, we had a nice time there just chatting. When we got back to the house my back was killing me! Maybe it is because it is my 1st period since I got the IUD put in, but damn it hurt. I chilled for a bit in hopes it would feel better, but to no resolve. Then my Dad and I went for a walk on the beach, which was a good time. I found some great sea shells to make some new necklaces with when I get back to NJ or VT. After that Dad and I just chilled on the couch and talked for a bit. It is really nice to catch up with him and everything. I know it is important to keep a good relationships going with your parents, so, I am doing my best to do that. Even with Mom, who I can’t stand half the time, I’ve been working hard to bite my tongue and get along with her.
Finally we went back to the gym today. I had a pretty good work out…did a lot of abs & strength training. I’m actually doing a pretty good job at getting back into the routine of working out. And you know what? It feels great. Just feeling healthier, having a better diet and keeping track of it, and feeling like I’m improving my body everyday is giving me so much more energy, as well as confidence.
So, yea, all and all it has been a pretty good day. Learned a few things about finance, spent some time with my Dad, stretched, worked-out, read some of my Financial Planning book, and I am still yet to do my evening stretch, do some of my Dreamweaver book, and talk to Mark on the phone later.
Until tomorrow.

1/7/09: In Saint Augustine, FL

So, for whatever reason, the internet in my Dad’s place isn’t working. Hence the reason I am writing my journal entry using Word. Hopefully I can go downstairs and see if it will work there. It keeps on saying I am out of range.

Anyway, today has been pretty productive. I slept until about 11…but that was relaxing, so, I’m going to call that productive anyway. Following that I listened to Day 5 of the Tony Robbins Get The Edge program that I downloaded. He mentioned a lot of good things in the session today. One of the things I liked the most was talking about the 10 negative emotional categories we feel and how to react to them. Referring to them as action signals, it allows one to re-define these emotions. They are no longer harmful, hurtful things in my life, but signals that I need to take action in some way. When feeling any of these emotions (Uncomfortable, Fear, Hurt, Anger, Frustration, Disappointed, Guilt, Inadequacy, Overloaded, Lonely) there are three possible ways to deal with them in the end. I can change my perception, change my procedure, or change my behavior. Each of these emotions calls for a different action. They are all a message that something must change. Another point he keeps touching on is this:

Every feeling you have is not based on the reality of life, but the way in which you interpret it, the meaning you give it.
Ask yourself: What else could this mean?

So, it was very productive listening to this session. I’d like to listen to it a couple more times, actually, just because the material is so great. In fact, I plan on listening to the entire Get The Edge tape again. Part of me actually realized that the reason I find myself feeling unmotivated when I know so badly I want to be is that I do not surround myself with people that are as motivated and go-getting as I want to be. While I love my friends and wouldn’t change anything about them, I need to find a solution to this. I think if I can keep listening to these kinds of tapes it can almost act as a substitute for this. I will still have someone talking in my ear about how I can continue to be a better person, and continue to improve my life every day.

Anyway, we just got done working out at the gym in the new development my Dad & Noreen will be moving into around March. Now we are going to get some margaritas and then who knows what.

The Beginning

So, for the past few years I have been writing about my life in a written journal. The only problem this has ever posed is I often get too lazy to sit down and hand-write everything that is going on in my head, which much too often is a lot. I suppose most of us are like this now, being that we've all grown up in this information, technology era. So, I've decided to start my journal in a blog. I figured if it is easier for me to do it, I'll do it more often.

Today I woke up fairly late: 11:00. Yea, that's late. I was on the phone until about 3:30 AM with Mark professing our love for each other =). He said some really wonderful things actually. He told me that he can't wait to just be settled and start a life with me, that his biggest motivation is being able to share a life with me and be with me, and that he really just can't tell me how much he loves me. I am so lucky to have a guy that is able to be honest with how he is feeling. Sometimes I wish I was as good at sharing these things as he is, but I am getting much better. Mark has really helped me to open up and be a better person. I never thought I could feel and care so much for another person.

So, I woke up today and stretched for about 30 minutes. Boy was I feeling tight this morning. I need to figure out a better way to sleep. I just have so much trouble falling alseep on my back...I've always been a side sleeper.

Let's see what else is up. My flight to see my Dad is today at 5:09 PM out of Newark. I have to stop in Charlotte, NC for an hour, and then I'll be landing in Jacksonville Airport around 9:05 PM. I'm super excited about the trip for a few reasons. 1.) Its going to be so much warmer! 2.) Lukis is visiting me there this weekend and we haven't seen each other in over a year! 3.) It will be nice to spend some time with my Dad. 4.) It will just be nice to get away, do some more reading, and just relax. So, I'm thinking this is going to be a great trip.

Okay, well, I will update more on my life tomorrow.